Updated: Jul 23, 2019
I realize that there are times where I have a lot I want to say or share, and that social media might not be the best platform for me. I figure that there is no better way for me to let out all of the stuff in my head than on my website, where people can find me if they so choose to.
My life has always been in a state of flux. Ever since I started paying attention to my inner world, I've been learning to maintain a balance between understanding my thoughts and emotions and taking physical actions toward my goals. Some days (like today in particular) have been challenging in terms of energy levels. I had a whole plan in mind to do an etsy update before going on a trip down to San Diego tomorrow. This is one of those times where my body is going to win over what my mind kept telling me to do. I paused to feel into what my body would appreciate and decided to make some tea and chia pudding before meditating on my balcony.
I found that there was a lot that was on my mind that needed to be addressed before moving forward. I believe that when we leave things on the back burner, they tend to take up energy that could otherwise be used to do something more productive. What came up was the band I was starting with a couple of musicians I started playing with.
For a while now, I've been at odds with my music making process. I left my job as a hospitality associate at MedMen in April to focus fully on music, art, and teaching meditation. I've been facing and confronting my fears and judgments that I wouldn't be able to do it or that I wasn't good enough for what I wanted to do.
The main issue I am tackling is this: I have so many unreleased and half finished project files stacking up on Ableton, enough to create multiple albums. Those don't even count toward the number of songs I've written with my ukulele. The lyrics are filed away in a binder that continues to grow.
So back to the band. This was the first time I tried to actually form one. It all came together when I wanted help for my first show as the featured artist at a monthly open mic hosted by The Water Brewery in Costa Mesa. The plan was for me to perform two songs solo with what I've produced (which, still, I haven't released because learning to mix and master are @_@), and then finish with the group song, The Heist (which you can see in the music section of my site). I had a lot of fun performing with them, but afterward there were some strange complications that showed up which had me hesitating on whether or not I should continue to collaborate with this group.
I don't want to get too personal with this story, but the main takeaway I got after a few post-show practice sessions was that the energy just didn't feel right. Logically, it seemed like a good idea. The skillsets we had all complemented each other really well, but on an emotional level, I wasn't feeling as connected as I was to my own projects. That's when it hit me: I needed to fully focus on bringing out my own sound and building my own foundation before I could collaborate with others. It was too much for me to be able to balance more than one personality and to get to know my own at the same time.
I sent a message to the group text kindly expressing that I needed time to pursue my own goals. One of them was upset at me for communicating this through text, the other was understanding. I'm at the point where, unless they are really close to me and my survival/level of well-being is interdependent with theirs, it's difficult for me to care about what others think of me. To paraphrase one of the most famous authors of our time, "The ones who care, don't matter. The ones who matter, don't care." At the end of the day, I am the one writing my songs, carrying my cross, and cleaning up after my cat.
Yesterday, there was a new minster at the church that I occasionally attend who shared some wise words about the importance of releasing and receiving. I don't remember exactly what he said, but the topic was definitely resonating with what's been happening in my life recently. If we ignore our intuitions and hold onto things that don't serve us, we are going against what our spirit is trying to lead us. We weigh ourselves down and block ourselves from receiving the abundance that's there. Everything we are asking for is RIGHT THERE, and it is up to us to realize what it is we are holding onto so we can free up space to receive these blessings. Today I had to face the music and tell a hard truth, but tomorrow is a new day, and I look forward to it with renewed faith and purpose.