In the past few months I’ve been going through a period of deep introspection by exploring the notable thoughts and feelings that arose throughout the day. I came across one very interesting habit recently that I felt called to share.
When a small part of me would be tickled (like a literal tickling sensation at my heart followed by daydreaming) at the possibility of experiencing romantic love, I would squash it down with hard logic. I zeroed in on this and found that I was holding onto a belief that desiring romantic love and wanting a partnership was a distraction. There was this internal struggle in me between wanting to connect deeply with another and me believing that it was all going to take away time from me achieving my personal goals. I acknowledged what was going on, accepted myself for it, and continued about my week.
Still observing my internal struggle, I noticed that I’ve become more stressed, even when I was doing something that would normally be fun. My creativity dropped, my health was declining to the point of daily exhaustion, and I would feel more irritated than usual, even around close friends. The distance I had with my own feelings were definitely reflected in my external world. One day I decided to address my current energetic state, so I meditated. I basically started breathing deeply and closing my eyes before asking myself, “What’s going on?” I feel I should add that the tone in which I asked myself was that of a genuinely concerned friend who knew I had something on my mind.
I saw myself resting my hand on a tall glass wall that seemed to stretch out infinitely. There was someone on the other side, and I kept my hand pressed against it as though I could feel their warmth if I kept standing there. I was seeing a mental image of a barrier I put between me and a person that I wanted to connect with. Thoughts flashed like scenes from a movie: It’s never worked out before, you’ll get hurt again. You’re better off alone so you can focus on what you need to do. You’ve been hurt so many times, it’s better to prevent more pain from happening than to hope.
One by one I began to talk to these thoughts, much like how a parent would to a child. I didn’t scold them. I listened. I loved. I nurtured. I gave them some advice. As the thoughts subsided, I felt a lightness in my chest that I could only describe as love. In this moment, its expression was quiet, yet powerful and emanating. I came to a place of detached acceptance for my feelings, where I would smile whenever I thought about the possibility of a more-than-friends type of love before continuing on with my day. No arguments, no logical shut down. Just love. With less on my mind, more energies started returning, and for the next couple of weeks, I was slowly starting to feel more like myself again.
Then one day, I was DJing at a 4th of July party run by a wild group of acrobats, performers, and fire dancers. It was a rather stressful day, but I had a feeling that something important was happening, and that I was meant to be there. After my set I started chatting with a gentleman who I’ve briefly met at a couple of parties before. He helped me climb onto the roof to get a better view of the fire works and fire spinners, but we were so into our conversation that we weren’t really paying attention to the world literally blowing up around us. I was surprised and grateful for the company since at every party I’ve been through I would normally just be playing music and standing awkwardly at the snack table.
At one point he went down to get something and came back offering me a jacket. I actually was cold, so I gratefully accepted. In that same moment, I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time someone offered me something I needed without me asking for it. And then it hit me that it’s been a long time since I’ve connected with someone like this at all. It was a strange and wonderful feeling. Though I was hesitant, I was open to continuing to get to know this person. I wanted to see where this would go.
We ended up talking nearly the entire night and made plans to go to the beach the next day where we (again) ended up lost in conversation. The day after, we ended up meeting for brunch. I found myself thinking about him each time we parted, and a few days later he told me that he liked me, and I gladly told him that I reciprocated. In our subsequent times together, the vision of the glass wall would return on multiple occasions. Each time, the glass would shatter as it started to shrink. Then one day, it was gone. This vision inspired lyrics to a new song I’ve been writing called I Could Believe:
Are you surprised?
Nine years being numb
Pretending to have fun
Do you know what it’s like?
To keep it all inside?
I guess now I can try
to shatter through this glass
between our palms at last
Long story short, I flowed with an opportunity to connect with someone after removing the barriers that would have otherwise prevented me from doing so and wound up starting a new relationship without even looking for one. Despite my fears that I would be distracted in spending time with someone, I find myself becoming more focused and inspired when I am called to be productive. Through our interactions and the ideas we’ve been sharing, I’ve been thinking in new ways which has opened up new creative avenues for recipes, paintings, and songs.
I came to the conclusion that by releasing judgments and allowing the desire for love to take root, we will spend less time arguing with ourselves and free up energy for our bodies to heal, create, and play.
If we practice actively identifying and removing the barriers between ourselves and the love we are seeking, we create more pathways for loving energies to manifest in our reality, whether its in the form of a jacket when its cold, a helping hand to climb a roof, or a mind-bending conversation that joyfully transcends the bounds of time and space.